Modern, Serious Dating Is Dead (pt 1)

So, if you don't know me, I've been single for the last 2 and a half years. In no way do I say this as a bad thing though. It's actually been better than I would have ever expected. Honestly, when I found myself single in Spring 2007, I thought my life was over... or at least any chance for a love life anyway. And this thought hasn't been too entirely wrong. Since that last breakup, I've 'hung out' with guys. I've 'talked' to guys. I've even 'hooked up' with guys. None of these events leading to dating said 'guys'.

Now, I've looked at this a number of ways, and believe you me, so has my mother. I believe her last advice to me was "You need to be less low maintenance. You're too easy going. You have to make them think you're worth working for. Stop dressing like a boy.... You need to look like a lady. You're meeting him at his house? It's not gonna work. He should have to come pick you up. See? You're too easy." (If only she knew.... wink wink - jk?) Okay, so it got a little derailed at the end, but that sums up my evening of knowledge with Mother Bird.

I'm not so sure she's off base. See, for the last few years, I've literally just hung out with these guys. A lot of time spent watching tv and watching them play video games. No dates. No sweet phone calls. No wooing. Nothing out of the ordinary of a regular old friendship... oh except they all wanted to make out with me. Thinking about it, I'm really just one of the guys that they're allowed to be attracted to. Not the cute, easy going girl that likes sports. I always thought they were the same thing... but I've finally become aware of the subtle difference between the two. I've only wanted to hang out with guys as opposed to date them in this time though. This was the first time since high school that I've been given the chance to be single and find out who I am when given the chance to just be. I finally got comfortable in my own skin. I'd say I know myself pretty damn well these days... maybe a little too well. And I've had a lot of fun... but then the reality of what it means to be single sets in.... DATING. Phooey.

So, let me tell you a little story. I've known this guy for about 4 years now (we'll call him.... Todd) and we've gone out here and there within that time. It would probably be accurate to say that we hang out once a quarter, whether it be going to a concert, seeing him perform his music, going bowling, attending friends' birthday parties, etc. None of which were under the pretense of being a date, so I've always just kept it casual. To be frank, we've made out, I've spent the night, but no further....

Well, a few months ago (I don't exactly remember when... could've been 6 months?) I was at his house and as we were making out, he started a sort of awkward dialogue. It went as follows:

T: How far am I allowed to go?

Me: Uh... just as far as in the past, I suppose.

T: You can't blame me for asking. I never know what's going on with us when we get together. I don't know if you've found a boyfriend, if you're expecting anything from me, if I should expect anything from you.

Me: Am I supposed to tell you first thing when I arrive of my dating status? I don't typically expect anything from you... ever.

T: When a guy spends time with a girl like we have, it's more unnatural to stop the progression than to just let it flow. What is it that you want from me?

Me: I don't like talking about this stuff... Do we really have to do this?

T: Well, I guess I know that I can't talk to you about anything serious, I guess. (He seemed very offended)

Me: I'm sorry. It just makes me feel really uncomfortable. We see each other on a quarterly basis.... I just don't see the need for such a serious conversation.

T: With my schedule and where I am right now, I'm not looking for a girlfriend. I can't offer you that kind of relationship. I did that for a while and I'm not ready to make the investment.

Me: I'm not looking for a boyfriend......? Uh.... I don't know. I don't know what to say. Sorry? I don't get it.

It was a lot more introspective (on his side), long winded, and ridiculous than that, but you get the drift. I hope. We'd never gotten serious and I never call him... but I'm glad he warned me he didn't want a girlfriend or I'm sure I would have eventually had my heart broken. I left the next morning just to receive a text that evening from him saying that we'd left things on strange footing and he hoped to resolve the issues sometime soon. I texted back with something light, brushing everything off and then never heard from him again. Well, not for a few months anyway. (This is called foreshadowing, if you never listened in your English section of 4th grade.)

To be continued in part 2 at a later date.... Soon. I promise.

F that.

So, I have a confession to make. I've found a new band that is absolutely fabulous and I'm not sure if I want to tell you about them.

On one hand, I want to keep them a secret. I like being one of the few that know and fully appreciate them. I like knowing that I'm 'in the know' when other people (much cooler than I) still aren't. Haha! It's so rare that I know of a band before all the other friends I have in my life, that I enjoy basking in the greatness. Quietly. To myself. Humbly, of course.

On the other hand, but of the same footing, I want to scream it to the world. Not because I want everyone to enjoy it as I do. Not because I think the world could use a little more music. Not even because it makes me feel good to bring it into one's life. No. It's because sometimes I want to enjoy basking in the greatness.... NOT quietly. NOT to myself. NOT humbly. I want people to know that I'm awesome. I want to rub it in your face that I was the one to find them first. SUCK IT!

But then, I get nervous that I'm still not cool and I'm all wrong about the band and no one else likes them but me. Keep the streak alive, I suppose.... It's kinda like when I don't want to pick the restaurant when we all go out, because if someone doesn't like it, they can blame it on me. Too much pressure, if you ask me.

BUT.... I'm gonna tell. I just want to shout it from the rooftops. I was at Hotel Cafe on Saturday to see Michelle Featherstone, who I also love, but it was the band that closed the evening that did me in.

Meet: Freddy and Francine.

There I said it. Freddy and Francine were amazing. Just look at them.... Watching them was like a party. They are just too much fun.... The guy I was with at the show was bored, but I'm not sure why. I felt like I was at a cook out in the south. I think he was just a bore. My mother always said, 'People who are bored are boring people themselves.' It might be true.... but my mom said it, so you never know.

Well, there you have it. I made my decision. I went through with it. And I'm gonna leave it out there. It would do you good to look them up on iTunes or LimeWire or whatever you use. Please. For me? They're amazing.... see them live. They're playing at The Mint in August I think. It's that much better.

I can guarantee it.

Post Script. You're welcome.

Is it 2038 already?

I received two pieces of mail today: a notice titled "Urgent Elder Law Provisions" and an invitation to a complimentary dinner presentation. On the front of the invitation in big gold letters......

"A Very Special Event Exclusively for Adults Over Age 55"

Yeah, and the first one was for anyone over 60 that wanted to find out how they reduce their taxes.  Now... my first question was 'Huh?'  Moving on to 'Who told people that I was 55..... or 60?' Followed by 'Do these people know something I don't?'  As I look at my life, I start to wonder.

Reasons I Might Be 60:

- I'm looking forward to retirement.

- I've been looking at homes in retirement communities.

- I love soup.

- I don't know what the kids are up to these days and they piss me off.

- New technology confuses me.

- I have racist tendencies.

- I sleep 4 hours a night.

- I wish I was 30.

Reasons I might NOT be 60:

- I'm NOT retired.

- I live with my parents and 2 foreign exchange students.

- I spend an unforgivable amount of money.

- I don't like old people.

- I have all my teeth.

- I watch a lot of trash tv.

- I'm athletic.

- Okay, I'm not actually athletic, but I needed another reason I wasn't 60.... 

Well, now I'm even more confused.... Making a list was stupid.  At least if I am 60, I'm looking damn good for my age.

Winter Wait

Be patient with me.  I am coming back!  I promise.  In the meantime, just hit up the Pajiba Love.  You're welcome.

Status updates are the new blog.

So, for those of you that I am not friends with on the social networking website we like to call Facebook, I apologize for being absent from your world.  It was tough, I understand, but here I am again.... just in time.

In time for what?  College football season, that's what.  GET SERIOUS! So far.... Ohio State's rocking a 2-0 record and after next weekend, it's gonna be an astounding 3-0, because why?  Cause we're gonna kick some serious Trojan tail in a week.  And who's gonna be there?  That's right.  I am.  I just secured a ticket this weekend.  Goal line, but you know what?  I'm gonna be at the game and I'm not paying for the ticket. 

Now many of you are wondering how I can turn my back on my home team.  I never graduated from Ohio State, and yet I'll take Big Ten over Pac 10 any day of the week.  Let's get real for a second.  We're just a better conference, and I'm not talking records here.  I mean, its true.... we can't beat an SEC team for our life, but there's a first for everything, right?  I have 250 dollars riding on this, so don't worry.... There will be a mourning or celebratory blog posted on the 14th.

So what's been going on these days? Sometimes I'm bored. Mostly I'm bored.  Stanley might be the best, most entertaining thing in my life lately.  He runs around the house and just messes things up.  My place looks like a tornado blew through it and it's all his fault.  Shameful, really.

I have to tell you.... I've been having epiphanies, and aching to share them with the blogosphere, but I'm drawing a blank at this moment.  I've turned boring.... or at least I'm finally letting it show.  But a week from today, I will be boring in Belfast, Ireland.  Eff yes.  I'm finally taking my long awaited trip to Ireland.  I've been looking all year, since February, for a good flight to the Land of Ire, but it's always been really bad timing.  So, a few weeks ago, my mom sent me a special on American Airlines and I decided to book a flight.  Carpe Diem.  And this is my seizing opportunity.  It's only a few days and it's very possible that I'm going solo (my friend's flying standby) and all of that is fine with me.  I've never been more excited about something in my life.  A week off from that blasted thing I call work?  Count me in, sucka!

Did you know Summer of 69 by Bryan Adams is about sex and not the year?  Who'd have thought?

Boys, do you need help keeping track of when your girlfriend is about to go crazy on you for a week?  Well try PMSBuddy..... Apparently it might be the answer to everyone's problems.

A few things I have problems with: Sarah Palin and her baby, her baby's baby, her older baby, etc.  Do we really care about this?  And how absurd is it for people to speculate that her baby (with Down's Syndrome) is actually her daughter's baby?  Just the silliest bunch of trash I've heard in a while.  I personally don't care about the Presidential election.  We can either have the oldest president who is a Democrat covered in a crazy, nonsensical Republican platform, or we get a man that believes socialism is the best option for this nation. He'll never say it right out, but if you listen, you'll know.  So, I'm taking my stance as a voter, but only for bills.  I believe I'm making a statement that will most likely go unnoticed.  I'm taking bids on who wants me to write them in as my presidential candidate..... otherwise, my vote goes to Stanley.

The other thing I have a problem with?  David Duchovny went to sex rehab for porn.  Did Tea make him do that?  Because he should've made her go to rehab for doing movies like "Fun With Dick and Jane".  I feel bad because don't tons of guys like porn?  I guess I'm glad they are working through it.  I always thought they really had a shot.  Looks like they might.  Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones also have a real shot.  They just fell of the face of the earth.  That's commendable.  I love stuff like that.

Has anyone been watching Top Design?  If not, do it.  It's amazing.

Well, I'm bored of my post now, because it's not even close to being funny.  I give up.  I've failed at my only purpose in life - to make people laugh.  Maybe I should just post a picture of my face? Poop.

And to make up for all the time I've let pass.... I leave you with this precious gem of a clip. Illusions, Max.  You'll find more illusions.....

A month in arrears......

Over the past month there have been a number of items I have and haven't felt the need to write about, and very well didn't.  Here's a recap since we last spoke, in no particular order:

• We all know not to go grocery shopping when we're hungry, but I learned that I shouldn't go to the store while thirsty, either.  You just might walk out with a hundred dollars worth of non-alcoholic beverages.
• I went to 2 Snoop D o double g/311 concerts: first one, I got into a fist fight with a couple of drunk bitches, and the second, my purse (which held my phone, my wallet, my credit cards, 200 dollars cash, my house keys, my garage transponder, and my mail key) got stolen.  That was awesome.
• I work way too much.
• I've been working out, taking Melissa's spin class...... I want to die for about 50 minutes every time. No clue why I go back.
• The beach is ridiculously fun and I like not being pale anymore.
• I went to Vegas for one day...... for a debate.  That's right.  I ignored any reason to leave my stories back in Vegas.  But come on.... Dinesh D'Souza and Christopher Hitchens with a topic of 'Terrorism: Is Religion To Blame?'.  Get serious.  It was effing rad and I had 2nd row seats.
• I hate boys.
• I like boys.
• I love boys.
• I love little Jackson.
• I miss Katie Clifford.
• I'm renewing my love with Corey Cooper.... eventually.
• I want to go on a date that: a. isn't me by myself, b. doesn't include me paying for any part of it, and c. is with someone that I'm actually attracted to.  I think I've gotten 2 out of 3 in various combinations, but I have yet to hit the trifecta.
• I've been watching a bajillion movies lately, in and out of the theater.
• I seriously go through way too many phones.
• I'm pretty sure I'm willing to spend my entire life savings/credit card limits for a good ticket to the USC/Ohio State game on September 13. (Side note: 42 days until CFB starts.)  Does anyone have a spare that isn't in the end zone and even better if it's in line with the Buckeye bench? Too much to ask?
• Some friends are engaged and getting married. Yay/Boo.
• I'm wondering what would happen if I went back to 1208 Highland in Columbus when I go back in August.  Would I punch the dude?  Would I yell at him?  Would I steal his dog? Or would I quietly vandalize his crap of a car? I'm not sure.
• I'm so effing excited to see The Dark Knight.  Ack!
• I'm now obsessed with Arbonne skin/hair care.
• Kaytee and Will made an amazing pair on SYTYCD.  SICK partnership.  Might've shed a couple tears on the pas de deux.  Get serious.
• I'm starting to like tennis?  I don't like where this is headed...... I'm a little scared.
• I bought a deep frier.  So far, the best thing to fry is a spicy hot link wrapped in bacon, put in a butter grilled bun.  That and refried donuts with powdered sugar or homemade frosting. Don't judge me.  You have no clue.
• Apparently you're supposed to NOT look at the camera.  Ever.

Well, I'm sure there's more, but I'm bored now.  I might expand on a few of these topics if requested, but I'll just try to stay more current.  Not get so behind, I guess.  Oops. I have pictures too...... but I'm way too tired to figure that out right now.  Maybe later?  No promises.

Take a picture, it'll last longer.

The saddest news I've received in a long time is that Polaroid is no longer going to make polaroid cameras.  That's right.  The company that refined the instant picture..... done.  (I've known this for months now, but it really just hit me today.) I mean, the stinkin' camera is their name.  But, no..... they want to focus on their digital cameras. Excuse me?! This, to me, is like Kleenex deciding not to make tissues anymore and redirecting their efforts toward handkerchieves. Both do the same thing, but it doesn't mean we can get rid of the tissue, does it? 

I'm just saying...... We still need polaroid pictures! How are we supposed to do fun, creative stuff with pictures?  I'll venture to say that my first experience scrapbooking was probably drawing pictures along the bottom or taking a key and smudging the picture around the people. I just.... I don't know.  You can't just get rid of it altogether.... Okay, don't make the small ones, or the sticky ones, or the ones with 4 pictures in one, but at least keep a very basic model. Do you know that some polaroid cameras cost like 150 American dollars now because of this? And they're kind of difficult to find. It's madness, I tell you. It's as if they're really cheap diamonds or something.

Well, I tell you what.  I'm going to buy a polaroid camera and as much film as I can (taking great care to keep it out of the heat, of course), while I can, and just have it when I want it.  It's going to be annoying though since there's an expiration date on the film. So basically, if Polaroid stops making the film, then it goes extinct. How will we tell our kids what they were like?  Well, I suppose noone will even think twice about it, which is the real shame in it all.  I mean, the children, they won't even know what Andre 3000 was talking about when he tells ladies to 'shake it like a Polaroid picture'.  Outkast will be completely irrelevant. We can't let this happen.

They did try to make one last ditch effort last year with a 'Who Needs Mirrors When You Have A Polaroid?' campaign.  I have only one question..... It's not 'Why were you encouraging people to make more waste when the green effort was just starting up?'  It's not 'Are you stupid enough to think this might have actually worked?'  No.  My one questions is this: Were you deliberate in choosing an asian girl as your model?  If so, to them, I say 'You racist bastards.' And if not, 'You really should have thought to use an asian on purpose.  Don't you know you'd miss your entire target demographic?  But I would've used a Japanese girl instead.'

You know, I think I only get cooler the older I get.

Two of a feather......

I gotta give a head nod those acknowledging my fellow Low Self Esteem-ers.......

I don't know think this is passive aggressive, but man, if it is...... I'm glad that's exactly what I am. (WARNING: Profanity on the other end of the link.  They don't censor like I do.  Sorry!)

Get Serious.

Oh, and in case you didn't read the signs on the way in, just a quick reminder:

Laundry Update

I still haven't done even half a load.  

I'm pretty sure it's come to the point that I'm willing to take it to this place:

link

I'm thinking it just might be worth the 30 or so bucks to get it done for me...... I mean, really, wouldn't you pay someone thirty bucks to do like 4 loads of laundry? I'm gonna say yes.

I'm trying to figure out just what it is I don't like about doing laundry. I've narrowed it down to three things:

1. Separating. I have a condition some might call "separation anxiety".

2. Walking into the laundry room. It's the cat's room and there's usually a little kitty litter on the floor and it gets on the bottom my feet.  It's a dirty feeling, which in turn, defeats the entire purpose of the activity.

3. Folding. I fold every other shirt differently, my jeans stay really wrinkled, there's so much laundry that it takes FOREVER.

I'm pretty sure I have some issues that might need to be discussed with a therapist.  It's grown to an unhealthy aversion to doing laundry.  I think if I get it done by this place, I'll just start fresh. But then again, I think that every time I get my laundry all caught up.

Everytime I get to this point I realize just how many pairs of underwears I have..... waaaaay too many. I'm definitely equipped to not have to do laundry for 3 or 4 months.

Oh my goodness.  I am so weird. 

Post Script. I may be weird, but you're kind of bummed that I thought of it first. Don't lie to me............ or yourself.

Lucky Strike

You know, screw the Olympics..... the only thing that truly unites us all is the sneeze. 

So I haven't seen the new Indiana Jones movie.  I have, however, been told that there are aliens.  You make the first Indy movie in 20 years and you choose aliens to be the big mystery?  Eff you, Spielberg..... I think Tyler got it right when he said 'Spielberg is single handedly ruining my childhood.'  Don't blame this on George Lucas.....  Trust me.  It wasn't his fault.  You know what was his fault though?  Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, Star Wars: Attack of the Clones, and Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith.  

I really like my new hairspray.  When I walk, I get small whiffs of it and it makes me feel good.  I'm flirting with the idea of making it my new perfume.

I'm pretty sure every guy on The Bachelorette is gay.  I like Jason though.  Right now, he's my pick to win it all, 3 year old and all.  But it's still early.  I'll keep you posted.  I'm glad I'm a girl right now, or else it'd be embarrassing to admit that I even watch it..... Oh wait, it still is.  And yet, you are dying for next week's update.  That's embarrassing for you.

So as it turns out, I'm an amazing bowler.  I went to the lanes (that's what we bowlers call it 'round these parts) last week with my friend Tim and I bowled a 68.  Suck on that!  Tim (and the other 2 bowlers of the party) may have gotten a higher score than I did, but that's not the point of it....  I'm pretty sure I'd leave my 68 experience off my resume if applying for the Bachelor/Bachelorette.  I would include my mad arcade skillzzzzzz though.  Get serious.  If it has a gun, I will dominate........ period. In the process, I even emasculate fine, young men.  Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Tim. Yes, that is a purse.  Yes, that is a ladies' jacket. Yes, he is pulling out his wallet to give me more money for games. And yes, his ass was grass in each game.  (Quite predictably though, I lost the racing game.)

Along with my love for shoes, I've recently discovered I have an intense passion for jeans and make-up.  Although I wear one more than the other.......  I don't have nearly enough money for this.

The tip of my finger is numb.  It's the ring finger on my left hand.  If I have to get it amputated, I'll wear my wedding ring on my right hand, I guess.

I saw this cartoon and it made me think of the time I fell in love with Nikki Brown.  If you know the story, you totally get it.  If you don't..... you can probably guess it.

P.S. I'd like to make a quick shout out to the girls that inspired me to start blogging..... The honors go to (in no particular order): Ryka Katie, Beckie with a y, and Natali (whom I have nothing clever to say about, because she's just so damn clever herself, any attempt would be a disgrace.)